4 Types of SHP Students
By Jack Belton ’17
The easiest way to spot a freshman is their clothing. If you see someone wearing an SHP sweatshirt, nine times out of ten they are freshmen. Nonetheless, we have all been there, stressing over our “Intro to Catholic Christianity” test that is basically the study guide. Maybe playing on some freshmen team, thinking you’re the coolest thing since your Hershel backpack. The freshmen must always stick together, whether they are all walking between classes, huddled up, discussing the geometry test they all probably studied too hard for, angry that they had to stay up until the ridiculous hour of 10:30 doing bio honors homework. The most difficult time for a Freshmen is when lunch begins, because after you get your food, you must find a seat at Duchesne courtyard. When finding a seat, timing is everything. If you get there too early, you have to sit by yourself and wait to see who comes sit next to you, but if you get there too late, you have found a way to squeeze into all the people who already squeezed in. It’s a difficult time for them, but at the end of the day, they don’t have to worry about SAT’s or college apps, so it all fair.
Doesn’t Work, Gets an A-
This is the kid we all secretly hate. He or she has magical powers where no matter how much they fool around or don’t pay attention, they know all the material come test time. I would say they read all the material at home, but this particular person always sends you Snapchats of them watching Netflix until 1 am, so how they find the time is beyond me. If there’s ever a group study session, when this person isn’t leading the group on a random tangent, they are distracted themselves, probably watching surfing videos from 2011. But when they are asked about the migration habits of the Northwestern salamander, they give a detailed and accurate answer. Yet when asked how they know this, they may shrug and reply, “I don’t know man I just remember it.”. Come test day, they reassure everyone claiming, “This test is gonna be super easy guys don’t sweat it”. About 30 minutes into the hardest test of your life, wondering whether you should skip a third problem, this person will smugly walk up to the teacher and hand in their test.
The “Cameron Frye”
If you have never seen “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, then you have no idea who Cameron Frye is. To summarize, he was the uptight and stressed teenager that every high school grade has, and one of the protagonists in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. This particular teenager is always smart, and always no fun. If you have the good fortune to have a first-period class with one of these lovely people, you will notice their sour mood and travelers mug full of coffee. And when you see them towards the end of school, they will still have coffee. Why all this caffeine you ask. Well, the “Cameron Frye” stayed up until 2 am last night. But you probably already knew that, because they reminded you three times today. They probably are better friends with their teachers than you, after all, they did get their religion teacher a gift and not you. The only reason you have a class with this walking cold virus (yes, they are always sick) is because your mother forced you to take that one AP. And of course, they are in that class, because they themselves are taking six AP’s. Even though they always complain, you know deep down they are happy of how they intimidate others with their smarts. Look around for the “Cameron Frye” because every grade has one, and if you can’t find one, then it’s probably you.
Mr. Madden Mobile
Up to this point, every type of student could be either a boy or a girl. But this next student is always and forever a guy. While a school-issued iPad is a way to expand and increase your learning experience, there are those who use it to get them through the classes they find “boring”, which, let’s be honest, is all of them. This student will set up in the back of the class, slouched over, staring intently at their iPad. The hardest they will ever work is trying not to get caught by their teacher. So if you get partnered with this guy for a group project, be prepared to do most of the work. When finals season comes around, don’t be surprised if you get a text from them reading, “yo breh u got the notes from history class”. If they are feeling extra motivated, they may toss in an excuse, like “my computer broke” or “I have notes, but I think I might be missing a couple days”. And despite their 3.1 GPA, they will still probably just end up at USC because their dad helped them out with a bitsy 1.3 million dollar donation. You might like this guy, but you wouldn’t mind seeing them get a slap in the face by reality, or that history teacher.